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Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Wow.. Alot has changed in computer land

Well, it looks like they have changed my blogger site.  Wow!  Don't know when that happened but perhaps within the last month.  So far, it's o.k.  We shall see. 

Well this summer is going by fast.  Maggie had church camp last week and had a ball.  I finished up 28 rounds of radiation and now I am getting a 3 day boaster.  So radiation for me Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.  Yes, I had it today.  (YUCK)  I still hadn't gotten over the pain it had stirred up and then had about a 2 week break from it and now back again but at least only 3 days worth.  I immediately got sick on my way home.  Poor Maggie!  I had to pull over off the road and take care of business.  I wasn't able to eat most of the day.  Maggie had 2 of her friends over today and she had planned this and bless her heart, she was asking did she need to call them and tell them not to come.  I told her no, let them come, this should pass.  Well I made it through the day.  I got sick a time or two more but the girls don't know that.  Maggie had a good time and she wasn't worried about me.  Libby and Julia are wonderful kids and they are very much at home in our home.  They know where the cups are, where the ice is and they know they can help themselves to anything.  Low maintenance kids - Yay!  and for the most part they get along well the 3 of them.  I love the house when it is full of these girls  This is the one thing I have missed since last year.  I don't think we have had as many of those types of days.  I had plans to make a fun cake yesterday but because I felt so bad I didn't do it.  I thought the girls would like it.  You put pop rocks in the frosting.   One more thing about these two girls, they go to church with us and I think the world of them along with several other kids at our church.  We have great kids there.  I also think the world of their grandparents.  They are God fearing and God following people.  Both are excellent teachers and I am glad to know them and have them be a part of my life.  And not to leave their mom out, she is pretty cool herself.  So cool in fact that we absolutely have to park beside each other at church.  It is a must and our girls think so too.  And for the last thing about them.  Every Sunday in church we have a meet and greet your neighbor where everyone goes around and shakes hands with those around them.  Well at that point in the service, I am usually in the choir loft, so I shake hands with those in the choir.  My daughter always comes up to give me a hug and Miss Julia does too.  That makes me happy.  I look forward to those hugs.  She just doesn't know how it makes my heart smile by that simple act. 

Since I am on simple acts I will also tell you that there are a few more simple acts that every now and then I get wind of that put a smile in my heart.  Yes, they usually involve kids.  I had another friend today tell me that her daughter Emma prays for me every time she prays at breakfast, lunch, and supper.  How sweet is that?  I have also been told of other children that pray for me on a regular basis.  I know God hears those prayers so in return I pray for these children.  I pray that God will bless them, keep them safe, surround them with love, guide their feet and keep them from harm.  I pray His Will for their life and I pray that they will always acknowledge his presence and know that He is there for them even if they mess up at times.  What a great group of children!  They love God  and let his love show through them. 

Well, since it is 130 in the morning I might try to get some sleep again.  Radiation later this morning.  - yuck.  But I will say the crew working in there is GREAT!  I don't know all their names but thanks Shawn, Paula Sue, Nicole, Beth and others that have made receiving these treatments happy times.  Dr. Scarantino is my doctor over there and he is wonderful.  Great bedside manner and he treats me like a person, not a patient.  Hats off to the Radiation Center! 

And just in case I don't get on here before them.  I am heading to Alabama with Maggie, my mom, and my nephew in a couple of weeks.  I can't wait.  I am so looking forward to it.  It is always fun there.  No stress and I can just chill as needed.  We are going to see my Aunt and Uncle in Alabama!  YAY!!!  Love It!!!

I'm done, really I am.  Keep Praying everyone and Keep Looking Up!!!!

Tammy

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

It's been a long while! Sorry

Well, it has been a long time since I posted.  Guess I was too busy living to sit and write a post.  So let me update everyone on what is going on.  I started radiation 2 weeks ago.  I have had 12 treatments and I am scheduled to have 28 of them.  I wish I could say that I am cruising right through this treatment but in fact it is zapping my energy.....a lot.  My stomach has also begun to be sore from the treatment and can be very uncomfortable at times.  With that said Tylenol has become my friend.  How did I end up on radiation you might ask.... well I had been on chemo for over a year.  My tumor markers had dropped to the double digits and then started slowly climbing up.  They never got out of the double digits while we were checking but the doctor decided that it would be a good time to get another MRI.  That was done followed by a PET scan.  The PET scan scared me a little because I was a little afraid something new would show up but nothing did.  Praise the LORD!!!!  Only my little pancreas still seems to be the problem.  Dr. Anderson had mentioned several times that radiation might be a possibility so off we go on this treatment.  I am still praying for healing, praying that God will lengthen my days if healing doesn't occur and you know what .... that last prayer, He is answering.  I have already known of several people with this dreaded type of cancer that have gone on to meet Jesus.  That is not a bad thing but I still have things that I want to attend to here on earth.  The biggest thing is being with my family.  Maggie will be 13 in November and I definitely wanna be here to see that.  

And while we are on Maggie, my baby girl has been in the mountains on a mission trip for a week.  She comes home tomorrow.  I can't wait.  I have missed her and I know by her phone calls home that she has missed being here.  I know that she has had fun and has been blessed.  YAY FOR MAGGIE AND YAY FOR GOD!!!

Well, that is all I have for tonight.  Please keep praying for me!  The beam of radiation has to go through other tissues/organs to get to my pancreas and thus can damage/harm them.  This is where my pain is coming from I think.  Pray that minimal damage will be done.  That the cancer will take a DIRECT hit and will be eradicated.  Pray for strength for me and minimal side effects.  I am still taking chemo just an oral version everyday.  So far my appetite is o.k. but I am losing weight again.  Who knows I may be to my high school weight before long.  WOW!!!  This is definitely not the way to lose weight.  Part of me doesn't want to lose it, I want to hang on to it because I don't know what the future will bring and if I will lose my appetite in the future.  At least with all the extra weight I had .... I had some to lose but I can stop any time now.  I still have a hard time looking at my clothes and knowing that they will fit me.  they look so small now.  What a problem huh???

I do have a praise I would like to share.  The young boy at our church that lost his leg to cancer has received his new leg.  Our church and community rallied together to raise almost 70000 dollars to buy it for him.  We are having a special service on July 1, 2012 to celebrate and give God the praise for the Great Things He Has Done!  God is so good.  Charles is still undergoing some treatment to eliminate spots in his lungs.  Continue to pray for him. 

God is Good, All The Time!!!  I know this to be perfectly true!

Keep Praying and Keep Looking Up!!!

Tammy

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Update and laughter

o.k.. so I sit here to write on my blog and with Maggie sitting across from me she made me laugh.  I was getting ready to write about the friendship of dogs but now I guess I will wait.  Let me tell you why.  It seems that while I type on my computer my facial expression changes depending on what I am typing.  If I am sad about what I am typing then my face shows it and I frown, if it is happy then I smile.  Maggie has commented before that I do this and she will say what are you doing?  So just now I was typing on Facebook when she did it again.  It went like this
Maggie:  "Mom, what are you doing?"
Me:  Why?
Maggie:  "You have that sad look again."
Me:  what?
Maggie:  "You know that look you get when you are typing something sad"
Me:  oh...then I laughed and she did too

So I shall quit typing.  (I was typing about my mom's dog and about the fact that the last time I had chemo and felt so bad that she stayed by my side that whole day as I chilled on the couch.  Dogs love you and I just think they know things are going on with us even though they can't talk or we don't thing they understand.  I think they sense our sadness or even sicknesses.  I love dogs. 

I gotta quit typing this before I get sad and my facial expression changes - haha

For a me update, I have an MRI on Tuesday.  Chemo is a week from Tuesday and then I should find out what is our next steps.  My tumor markers have started to slowly climb.  Last check they were 63.  Dr. Anderson wants to get the results of the scan and go from there.  the possibilities are :  going back to biweekly chemo, changing chem meds or possibly having a procedure.  I guess we will see.

One other thing, I spent yesterday with the Smithfield Middle School band at Busch Gardens.  What a fun and tiring day.  I prayed at the beginning of the day that God would give me the strength to manage the day and that He would chill my stomach for the day - and He did.  Some times I still have issues that I take to him and ask Him for my manna for that day.  He ALWAYS provides.  I don't know what I ever did to deserve His love for me but I am so thankful for it.  (let me quit typing this before my facial expression changes.) 

Keep Praying and Keep Looking UP!

Tammy

Monday, April 16, 2012

Time for a new post!!!

I don't even know how long it has been since I posted.  I didn't look.  let's just say that I am enjoying life at this time.  God is Good and every day I live I see that more and more.  It was almost a year ago that I worked my last day at JMC.  The actual date was April 18, 2012.  Last year at this time, I did not think I would be here to see another April.  I turn 44 on April 30th and that is a GREAT thing.  I have lived to see another birthday.  There was so much uncertainty at that time and to be honest there still is.  My tumor markers have dropped and I am no longer in the pain I was in but I still don't know the days I have here on earth.  My pancreas is stable, my liver has a spot but MORE IMPORTANTLY....GOD IS IN CONTROL.  He brings me PEACE.  Through Him my worries are gone.  He holds my future in His Hands and that is completely where I want it to be.  There are things I could worry about....my husband, my daughter, my mom, myself but I have chosen to give them all to GOD.  He see ALL, HE knows All and He will take care of it ALL.  I am sure there are things that go on that I am not even aware of or that maybe I have the slightest inkling of but God knows what I can't see, what I don't know and it is under His control.  So God - do what you need with my life!  You gave it to me and you will be the one to take it away so I am YOURS!!! 

With all that said, I have to say that I have been reading through the Bible this year and have gotten in to the book of Joshua now.  Every time Moses dies in my read through, I get a little sad.  I so relate to him.  He wasn't perfect but he was chosen.  He messed up but he made it right and God accepted that.  Now in Joshua, I am reading about this mighty man of God.  It won't be long before I will be reading about David and I can't wait.  Out of all the OT people, I think I most relate to him.  He is real to me.  He also made mistakes but he was considered to be a man after God's own heart.  Oh the encouragement that I receive reading His Word. 

That's all for now. 

Love you all! 

Keep Praying and Keep Looking UP!  and if you are reading His Word, then start! 

Tammy

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

God is Good!

Good Morning!
Today is chemo day for me and I am up early.  We had our windows open in our house last night and all I can smell is smoke.  I don't know what caught fire but it is smoky outside too.  The smell is really strong and I had to close windows.  The smell is in my nose and bothering my eyes abit too.  YUCK.  I really don't have much to say today.  Nothing new going on for me.  It is spring break for Maggie so she will be home part of the time this week when she doesn't have plans.  She is a busy girl. 

This is actually one of my favorite times of the year.  Out of all the seasons this ranks in my top 4 (lol).  I do love the flowers that are blooming.  I even got outside some last week and planted some things.  Maggie asked me why I was doing this and I told her that I didn't get a chance to do it last year because I was feeling so bad then.  It was a matter that I couldn't do it then but I really wanted to do it. Thanks to my mom for helping me and for David for picking up some mulch and helping spread it out.  I now have some Knock Out rose bushes and azaleas planted.  I can't wait for the roses to start blooming. 

Another reason this is my favorite time of the year is because of EASTER.  This time of the year we remember specifically the fact that Jesus died for our sins and then rose again.  My magnet on my car says it clearly.  He Came, He Died, He Rose, He Ascended, He's Coming Back!!!!  Yes, He is! 

Love you all!!!  Keep Praying and Keep Looking Up!  Feel free to pray for me today that I will eat when chemo is over.  I usually don't want to eat and then I feel worse because of not eating.  So please pray for appetite today. 

Tammy

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Just Thinking!!! and saying Hi and yes...another dream!

Good Evening,

Do you ever get the feeling that there is something else you are suppose to be doing?  That you are missing the mark somehow.  I do and at this point in my life....that is where I am at.  I have over the past couple of months came to the realization that God tipped me out of the boat since I didn't climb out on my own and that giving my Praise to Him was my Job.  I have felt that this Cancer was a calling and my job was to Praise Him through The Storm and to share that with everyone.  Well, guess what.... he is now prompting my heart that ....that's not all.  That's not enought.  So once again I am wondering what else God? 

Since the fall, I have been involved in a weekly Bible study on the book of Acts and the writings of Paul.  Paul was a man of action.  I am so amazed at his witness and the boldness that he possessed.  Yes, as Saul he actively persecuted Christians but after his conversion he went "all in" in sharing the gospel of Christ.  From the stories of his conversion, to the letters he wrote to the churches encouraging them and to the consistency and passion he felt in his work for God, it leaves me convicted that I am not doing enough.  Oh to be a Paul!!!

In the last couple of weeks, I have started another Bible study on the book of James that is at the same time convicting me of the same thing.  The book of James is crammed packed full of wisdom for Christians and to me it is very much a checklist of things I should be doing and/or not doing.  I find myself reading then rereading these scripture because I can't possibly get it all the first time through. 

I am afraid at times and happy at times to say that the mirror of His Word is shining in my face as I read His Word and sometimes I don't like what I see.  That scares me, saddens me, motivates me but at the same time it makes me happy to know that I can recognize these things to work on.  It makes me certain that God is not finish with me yet.  Oh how I wish I were already complete, but I am afraid if you put a completion percentage on my life that I might not even reach 10%.  Not even a tithe of my life - ouch God that hurts - but thank you for showing me that!  I am trying and thank you for not giving up on me!

James 1:25  But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.

If you don't forget to do what you heard.....wow.  Read His word, Apply His word!  These words are tugging at my heart.  There is a reason!  Pray with me that He reveals this reason. 

One more thing that may be related to the above.  I had another dream recently and I can't seem to forget it so it must be important.  God has a way of repeating things to me (maybe because I am so stubborn it takes him 3 or 4 times to get across to me).  I dreamed I was at the beach with my family.  We were not staying on the beach but across the street and actually could not see it from where we were.  As everyone else was doing other things and we were actually leaving the place I told the others that I was gonna walk to the beach and would meet them back there.  As I started walking I noted that the straight way was not the easiest way to get there.  I had to go around obstacles such as buildings or landscapes so a walk of a block took a couple of blocks to get to.  When I finally arrived at the sand my first view was a BEAUTIFUL beach with the sun setting ... I had gotten there at just the right time.  The waves were huge and the colors I can't completely describe.  As I quickly took that veiw in and started to turn my gaze, I noted that directly in front of me was a mountain of sand.  there was no viewing the beach unless I look directly through the narrow opening to my left.  How funny that I didn't notice before that it was only an opening.  I only looked through the hole at the sight on the other side and didn't even see the hole.  Kinda like looking through glasses and not seeing the frames.  Once I had a clearer picture, I realized that my journey wasn't ended and in fact if I wanted to see that again, my journey would still continue either by climbing that mountain or finding a way around it.  There was not way through the hole I originally saw.  In my dream, I started to continue my journey and then I woke up. 

After the thoughts of the last week and the James study tonight, I have started to think they are related.  My journey is not finished, there is something I have yet to do.  It is still not gonna be easy and definitely not straight forward at this point anyway.  I still hear the Isaiah scripture singing in my ear.  "Whether I go to the left or the right, a voice will be whispering, "this is my way...walk in it"  (that's the Tammy version).  God is up to something Always and I know He is calling me to be a part of it.  That was all of my dream but as I said I haven't been able to shake it out of my mind so I decided to share it.  If you have any thoughts about it, please share. 

Please know that I Love you all....thanks to those who are still reading.  Just because I feel there is something else I am to do does not mean I am giving up the blog because I still feel this is part of His plan.  I really feel that there is a reason for it and if not this year, or next year there will come a time that it will make a big difference in some one's life.  God has a way of giving us what we need when we need it.  I LOVE HIM FOR THAT!  I hope this blog is that thing for some person some day. 

For a me update:  Chemo was last Tuesday.  I felt yucky afterwards till Wednesday night mostly because I was nauseated and didn't want to eat.  The sad thing is ... is that I need to eat because that helps stop my nausea.  My markers are at 46 (yes a little, little, little elevated from the 20's but this is part of the plateau process - and if it's not - God still has THIS!!! - i SAY THAT WITH OUT A DOUBT). 

Keep Praying and Keep Looking Up!  If you aren't reading His Word - Go ahead open it and let it Change YOU!!!!

That's all for now! 
Tammy

Sunday, March 11, 2012

It's been awhile!!

Good Afternoon,

I was thinking this morning that I had not written on here in a while so here you go.  Here's what is on my mind  (scary huh)

I went to the Casting Crowns concert Friday night and really enjoyed it.  There were other artists there including Matthew West whom I like also but I have to say that out of all christian artists/groups two of Casting Crowns songs have directly impacted my life in a way that no other song has.  The two songs are The Voice of Truth and Praise You in This Storm. 

I have to tell you that Voice of Truth is my absolute favorite and it goes back a couple of years ago as to why.  My daughter Maggie learned this song at our church's daycare.  I remember her singing it and then getting a CD with that song on it.  So what is so special about this song?  Why it's the words... "Oh what I would do to have the kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in onto the crashing waves.... Well, they spoke so clearly to me.  See I can truly remember telling someone that I felt that song was speaking to me that at some point in my future that God was going to call me out of the boat and was gonna have to get out of it.  The 2nd verse says "Oh what I would do to have the kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant with just a sling and a stone, surrounded by the sounds of a thousand warriors shaking in their armor wishing they had had the strength to stand."  I knew in my heart that that would happen one day too.  The chorus "and the waves/giant calling out my name and they laugh at me..reminding me of all the times I tried before and failed and the waves/giant keeps on telling me time and time again, girl you'll never win, you'll never win."  See I just knew that it would happen and guess what it has.  Yes, the giant is the Cancer and even the waves could be considered that too.  This diagnosis has changed me.  Yes, I had to get out of the boat, I have to stand and face the giant and yes at times it laughs at me but I am not listening to any of what it has to say  See the Voice of Truth tells me a different story, the Voice of Truth says do not be afraid and the Voice of Truth says this is for my glory.  Out of all the voices calling out to me I will chose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth. 

About 2 years ago in one of the mission magazines that we get monthly at church there was a picture of some missionaries that hike on the Appalachian trail in the summer and share Christ with people on the trail  There was a picture of one of them (a lady) that was sitting with her legs dangling off the side of a mountain.  I kept that picture and had it in my office at work until all of my stuff was packed up and brought home.  I still have that magazine somewhere.  That picture spoke to me because I am afraid of heights and I could look at that picture and know that at some point God was gonna call me to step out of the boat, face a giant or even dangle my feet off of an edge.  Did I think that God was gonna make me do any of the above - No but I knew that He was gonna take me out of my comfort zone and make me depend on Him.  Well, I am there now.  With my cancer all I have is dependence on Him.  Complete dependence on Him.  I would not be here today if it was not for His grace, love and mercy.  He hasn't chosen at this point to reveal a complete healing to me yet but I do strongly know that He has chosen to lengthen my days and that is how I have prayed.  I have truly prayed for complete healing, for lengthening of days but honestly all my prayers end with but not my will but thy will be done.  See He knows what is best for my life,  what is best for my family and what is best for all of us.  We try to tamper with His judgement and His work and even change it or tune Him out but we can't disrupt His plan.  I truly think that sometimes people think they can change His mind or do things for Him but His plan was in action before the creation of the world.  At the concert on Friday night, we were told that our life we are living is our present but God's history.  It was mentioned again in Sunday School this morning.  I am not afraid because I trust the Voice of Truth.  It was all I could do this morning when I sang the Voice of Truth with the choir to not say "to stand before a Lion"  I had chills prior to singing the song and was able to pull it together enough to sing it.  See God has used that song and its message in my life for years now.  Probably at least 4 or 5 years at least.  Yes, it should have long since been replaced by a new favorite song but it never has.  It is my song and will always be I suspect.  If you wanna hear it, here you go....  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwsvqVmFV6Y

that's all for now, although I could go on for days on this topic. 

chemoing and watching my numbers and trusting God. 

Please keep praying and keep looking up! 

Please continue to pray for Charles Humphries!  He is the 16 year old that I have requested prayer for in the past.  He has finished some of his chemo treatments and will now be having scans done in preparation for lung surgery to remove the cancer they found in his lungs.  There is also a very active group raising money to get an artificial leg for Charles that he can use for sports activities.  I will post some of that info on here this week. 

Love you all,

Tammy