I really don't have that much to say but alot of random stuff going on. The last couple of days have actually been good and I seem to be getting a little more content with sitting and doing things at home. I don't feel the need to go somewhere everyday which is good for David because how many times can you go to Walmart in one week. My trips out consist of Walmart, Food Lion and Lowes cause they have carts I can ride. (lol). I do make it to KMart now and then but it is small enough and I am not in there usually long enough to get tired walking. Church is also a welcome break and then there is the trip here and there to pick up something from some random store that I make with David. Other than that my day is spent in my house. Today I have washed a load of clothes, folded a load (that I left in the dryer) and now I will fold the load I washed. I might get into the spare bedroom to start cleaning. (notice I said Might)
We are getting Olga again this summer. (That may surprise you but Maggie and David are sure we can handle it, so she will come again.) If you don't know Olga .....she is Maggie's Belarusian summer sister. She is 11 years old and this will be her 3rd year here. She will be here for 6 weeks starting June 14. I am sure that will be an adventure. Don't know what she will think about me and my condition. I guess we shall see.
On a good note, I no longer have to shave my legs....just figured that out today. (Yay)
On a better note, my short term disability policy has been checked and my paperwork will be completed shortly and that will be a good thing cause I was getting a little concern about financial things. I actually put one hand in the air to praise the Lord when I was on the phone with the lady cause she made me so happy.
God is working and He is providing and will continue to provide.
That's all for now. told you it was random.
Keep Praying and Keep Looking UP!!!!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Rollercoasters of Life
Can I be honest and tell you that my life is a roller coaster of emotions? It is! Sometimes I feel so confident and assured that everything is gonna be o.k. That all this stuff is gonna work out. Chemo will continue, I'll go into remission, life will be normal again, and God is Good. Other times I think ....I don't know how this is gonna work out. Chemo will continue the rest of my life and I'll never eat good food again and life will never be normal.
Sometimes I feel that God will give me years more to live and other times I just don't know. I pray and pray and Yes sometimes I ask for that Billboard .....saying God just please tell me what to expect. Sometimes I plead, sometimes I am angry, sometimes I question. Oh, How I feel like Moses sometimes, like David, and others in the Bible. I am glad there are examples of His servants having Heart to Heart conversations with Him. Even angry conversations with Him because it gives me hope, encouragement that it is o.k. for me to do the same. Oh How I Love God. I know I will never understand His ways and He probably is not going to reveal all to me. (Or maybe He has and I am too blind to see). I know He comes into my thought frequently during the day and I always praise Him when He comes. Even when I am upset with Him I open my thoughts with Praise. I don't know what He has planned. I don't know what to expect. I don't know how much time I have or the quality of life I will have. To be Honest, At times this warrior is scared. The Voice of Truth verse ....Oh what I would do to have the kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant with just a sling and a stone. Surrounded by the sound of a thousands warriors....SHAKING IN THEIR ARMOUR (that's ME) with just a sling and a stone. And then the giant calls out my name and he laughs at me reminding me of all the times I tried before and failed.......
You know just writing the above is giving me peace. I don't know why that song came into my life with the JAM kids years ago but I know My God has placed so many things in my path that continue to bless and support me. To have a song that I have known and LOVED for at least 5 years still mean so much to me in different times of my life is a GOD THING. My cancer is the giant, it is the water in the first verse and it does call out to me and laughs at me...it makes me doubt my God and I need to remember to listen to the VOICE OF TRUTH! The Voice of Truth tells me a different story. The Voice of Truth says DO NOT BE AFRAID. THIS IS FOR HIS GLORY......Out of all the voices calling out to me I AM TO LISTEN TO THE VOICE OF TRUTH. (Get that in your Head ....Tammy)
If you haven't figured out my blog yet ..it's as much for me as it is for others. And I know I have people all the times telling me what a blessing it is to them. I thank God it is a blessing to others ...I feel it is a calling but as much as it blesses others.....God is using my writing to help me reconcile feelings within myself. So I am blessed that you are blessed reading this.
But this morning......while I am writing God is working with my very soul and reassuring me that He is in control. Yes, I am writing this in tears and I working thru emotional things. I truly hope it helps you in your journey as much as it helps me. I love MY GOD and He loves ME! I think you can see this thru everything I write.
He prepared me for all this years ago. The scripture is alive and true. My presence at WMBC. Discipleship studies, BSF, music, life circumstances, and my dream was all preparation for "such a time as this" and when I really doubt what God is doing in all of this I just have to remember......it wasn't by chance that my diagnosis happened. God prepared me for it. There's a work to do in....and I have to do it.
My scripture this morning.....I gotta remember this:
We live by faith, not by sight
2Co 5:7
I want concrete answers but God is not giving them to me! He want me to grow and trust in Him and Live by faith so that His Glory shines even BRIGHTER. I am listening God. Don't Give up on ME! You stubborn child is listening. (yes, even my mom will tell you I am stubborn. )
Thanks for hanging in there with me this time. I needed this!
Love you all
Keep Praying and Keep Looking UP!
Tammy We live by faith, not by sight
Sometimes I feel that God will give me years more to live and other times I just don't know. I pray and pray and Yes sometimes I ask for that Billboard .....saying God just please tell me what to expect. Sometimes I plead, sometimes I am angry, sometimes I question. Oh, How I feel like Moses sometimes, like David, and others in the Bible. I am glad there are examples of His servants having Heart to Heart conversations with Him. Even angry conversations with Him because it gives me hope, encouragement that it is o.k. for me to do the same. Oh How I Love God. I know I will never understand His ways and He probably is not going to reveal all to me. (Or maybe He has and I am too blind to see). I know He comes into my thought frequently during the day and I always praise Him when He comes. Even when I am upset with Him I open my thoughts with Praise. I don't know what He has planned. I don't know what to expect. I don't know how much time I have or the quality of life I will have. To be Honest, At times this warrior is scared. The Voice of Truth verse ....Oh what I would do to have the kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant with just a sling and a stone. Surrounded by the sound of a thousands warriors....SHAKING IN THEIR ARMOUR (that's ME) with just a sling and a stone. And then the giant calls out my name and he laughs at me reminding me of all the times I tried before and failed.......
You know just writing the above is giving me peace. I don't know why that song came into my life with the JAM kids years ago but I know My God has placed so many things in my path that continue to bless and support me. To have a song that I have known and LOVED for at least 5 years still mean so much to me in different times of my life is a GOD THING. My cancer is the giant, it is the water in the first verse and it does call out to me and laughs at me...it makes me doubt my God and I need to remember to listen to the VOICE OF TRUTH! The Voice of Truth tells me a different story. The Voice of Truth says DO NOT BE AFRAID. THIS IS FOR HIS GLORY......Out of all the voices calling out to me I AM TO LISTEN TO THE VOICE OF TRUTH. (Get that in your Head ....Tammy)
If you haven't figured out my blog yet ..it's as much for me as it is for others. And I know I have people all the times telling me what a blessing it is to them. I thank God it is a blessing to others ...I feel it is a calling but as much as it blesses others.....God is using my writing to help me reconcile feelings within myself. So I am blessed that you are blessed reading this.
But this morning......while I am writing God is working with my very soul and reassuring me that He is in control. Yes, I am writing this in tears and I working thru emotional things. I truly hope it helps you in your journey as much as it helps me. I love MY GOD and He loves ME! I think you can see this thru everything I write.
He prepared me for all this years ago. The scripture is alive and true. My presence at WMBC. Discipleship studies, BSF, music, life circumstances, and my dream was all preparation for "such a time as this" and when I really doubt what God is doing in all of this I just have to remember......it wasn't by chance that my diagnosis happened. God prepared me for it. There's a work to do in....and I have to do it.
My scripture this morning.....I gotta remember this:
We live by faith, not by sight
2Co 5:7
I want concrete answers but God is not giving them to me! He want me to grow and trust in Him and Live by faith so that His Glory shines even BRIGHTER. I am listening God. Don't Give up on ME! You stubborn child is listening. (yes, even my mom will tell you I am stubborn. )
Thanks for hanging in there with me this time. I needed this!
Love you all
Keep Praying and Keep Looking UP!
Tammy We live by faith, not by sight
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Another Sunday
I still love Sundays. I got to spend time in church today. Church is one of my favorite places to be. Thank you God for allowing me to the strength to go both morning and night. Sometimes it doesn't feel the same. I still sing the same songs, hear the same words, see the same people but its not the same. God is there and He meets me everywhere so I am not looking something special in my time there but I don't know. Sometimes there is a difference. Maybe its a perspective of the outside looking in. Not singing in the choir takes me out of the loop music wise. Yes, I am singing as hard as I can from my seat but I miss the involvement. I miss getting there at 4:30 to practice for choir. Most Sundays, I am sitting right here at the house wishing I had the strength to be there. But I know my limitations and I know My God is with me and He will allow me to do the things I need to do.
I thank God for His Amazing Love. I did pull up our Brooklyn tabernacle recording this afternoon to listen to Amazing LOVE. We recorded this song with the brooklyn choir when we went to the conference this fall. Maybe I'll see if I can post it somehow to my blog. That song gave me strength when I felt down this afternoon. God is full of Amazing Love. The name of Jesus is Amazing LOVE.
Nope, my life not all sunshine and sometimes I cry.....but God's love continues to shine through. Thank you Jesus for your love, Thank you God for your Son, and Thank you spirit for guiding love.
Love you all and gonna try to go to sleep shortly. Making myself stay up till at least 9pm tonight. Last night I went to sleep at 7pm and was up at 4am. ....yes I got my sleep but no, I didn't especially want to be up at 4am when the rest of the house was quiet.
Love You All
Keep Praying and Keep Looking UP.
Tammy
I thank God for His Amazing Love. I did pull up our Brooklyn tabernacle recording this afternoon to listen to Amazing LOVE. We recorded this song with the brooklyn choir when we went to the conference this fall. Maybe I'll see if I can post it somehow to my blog. That song gave me strength when I felt down this afternoon. God is full of Amazing Love. The name of Jesus is Amazing LOVE.
Nope, my life not all sunshine and sometimes I cry.....but God's love continues to shine through. Thank you Jesus for your love, Thank you God for your Son, and Thank you spirit for guiding love.
Love you all and gonna try to go to sleep shortly. Making myself stay up till at least 9pm tonight. Last night I went to sleep at 7pm and was up at 4am. ....yes I got my sleep but no, I didn't especially want to be up at 4am when the rest of the house was quiet.
Love You All
Keep Praying and Keep Looking UP.
Tammy
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Good Night
Good Night my Sweet Jesus,
Everyday you hold my hand,
Everyday you see my tears,
Everyday you hear my cries,
Everyday you calm my fears,
Everyday I'm filled with praise,
Everyday I say your name,
Everyday I'm more amazed,
At the mention of your name.
In the morning, when I rise,
Jesus, Jesus by my side,
And in the evening when I lay,
Jesus, Jesus is my guide.
Off to dreams, or to sleepy lands
Never let me leave your hands
Jesus, Jesus, you have your plans,
In you I trust, In you I stand.
Good Night my Father, Son and Spirit, Thank you for a good day to live for you. Help me to see the good in each day. Thank you for the strength you give me each and every day. Help me to keep my EYES on you and when my focus starts to strays Help me Dear Lord point them back your way. God I love you and trust you so. Thank you for all the blessings that flow. God, you are AWESOME!
Feeling a little poetic tonight. Not necessary good at it but this is how the words are flowing tonight. Love you all!
Keep Praying and Keep Looking UP
Tammy
Everyday you hold my hand,
Everyday you see my tears,
Everyday you hear my cries,
Everyday you calm my fears,
Everyday I'm filled with praise,
Everyday I say your name,
Everyday I'm more amazed,
At the mention of your name.
In the morning, when I rise,
Jesus, Jesus by my side,
And in the evening when I lay,
Jesus, Jesus is my guide.
Off to dreams, or to sleepy lands
Never let me leave your hands
Jesus, Jesus, you have your plans,
In you I trust, In you I stand.
Good Night my Father, Son and Spirit, Thank you for a good day to live for you. Help me to see the good in each day. Thank you for the strength you give me each and every day. Help me to keep my EYES on you and when my focus starts to strays Help me Dear Lord point them back your way. God I love you and trust you so. Thank you for all the blessings that flow. God, you are AWESOME!
Feeling a little poetic tonight. Not necessary good at it but this is how the words are flowing tonight. Love you all!
Keep Praying and Keep Looking UP
Tammy
Friday, May 13, 2011
Been a while
Sorry its has been a while. The blog was down and would not let me post. So here's an update.
Chemo will continue as is every other week with the same chemo drugs. I do not know when I will have a scan although we suggested that we wanted one. My blood work still looks o.k. My markers came down again and there was mention that since I was tolerating chemo as well as I was that we might go back up on the amount I am getting (YUCK). I don't know yet if that will happen. We did ask about the drain in my side and the doctor has referred me to Duke and said I could call them and get them to check to see if I still need it or not. (I am a little not sure of this just yet). I probably just keep on like I am going for now.
I still don't know what tomorrow brings and am trusting God for each day. It's hard sometimes when you think to the future and you don't know how much of the future includes you. I pray daily and ask God for HIS Will to be done and I am trusting that it Will BE DONE.
I do wish I could eat more stuff than I do. Right now Maggie and David are chowing of popcorn. The salt in it would make me crazy. Guess I'll get up and get me some applesauce. (what a difference Huh?)
Continue to pray for my appetite and for good nights of sleep. Sometimes it is sporadic and a little unnerving not to be able to sleep.
Love you all
Keep Praying and Keep Looking UP
Tammy
Chemo will continue as is every other week with the same chemo drugs. I do not know when I will have a scan although we suggested that we wanted one. My blood work still looks o.k. My markers came down again and there was mention that since I was tolerating chemo as well as I was that we might go back up on the amount I am getting (YUCK). I don't know yet if that will happen. We did ask about the drain in my side and the doctor has referred me to Duke and said I could call them and get them to check to see if I still need it or not. (I am a little not sure of this just yet). I probably just keep on like I am going for now.
I still don't know what tomorrow brings and am trusting God for each day. It's hard sometimes when you think to the future and you don't know how much of the future includes you. I pray daily and ask God for HIS Will to be done and I am trusting that it Will BE DONE.
I do wish I could eat more stuff than I do. Right now Maggie and David are chowing of popcorn. The salt in it would make me crazy. Guess I'll get up and get me some applesauce. (what a difference Huh?)
Continue to pray for my appetite and for good nights of sleep. Sometimes it is sporadic and a little unnerving not to be able to sleep.
Love you all
Keep Praying and Keep Looking UP
Tammy
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
So Far....so good
Home from chemo today and so far everything is going well. YAY!. I literally am one of the first to arrive and I am usually the last to leave because of all the meds that I have to get. My day is made better by all the text messages and visitors that I get all day long. Thanks to all my hospital peeps that come and check on me while I am there. It really makes me feel good and makes the time go by so much faster. My mom and David are always there and I even had a couple from church come by and check on me. Thanks to Debbie, Renee', Charles, Ross, Caroline, and Mr. and Mrs. Ahlquist for dropping by and talking with me and also thank to all my texting friends your prayers and scriptures brighten my day also. I have my Bible right by my side to look them all up and they give me strength. So thanks Tonia, Nona, Kristy, Misty, Kathy, Tammy and Karen for the texts they make me smile. It all makes for a better day! So thanks.....and then let's not forget the facebook wishes and prayers. I don't have facebook on my phone so I get to check it when I get home and that makes me feel good all over again. Thanks, thanks and thanks....I know God doesn't have time to forget my name (as if He would anyway) I think with all the prayers going up in my behalf He hears a steady buzz and I like that. He's listening, and He's working His will just the way He wants to. So with all that said......
Keep Praying and Keep Looking UP
Love you all
Tammy
Keep Praying and Keep Looking UP
Love you all
Tammy
Weepy days
Yesterday was a day that I cried quite a bit. I don't know why. Maybe it was knowing today was coming and the anticipation of possibly finding out what is going on. I was originally set up for 4 treatments and this is the 4th. So I am hoping to find out what's next and possibly get a scan done so that I can determine if things are shrinking or not. It's easy some days to get upset because I wanna be normal again. I wanna wait with my daughter at the road for the bus to come in the car as I prepare to go to work. I wanna eat whatever I want to eat and not worry about whether it tastes good or not because I know it tastes good. I wanna walk where ever I wanna go and not get tired. For the most part I got thru it. Thanks to David sitting and talking with me and giving me a hug when I needed it. And finally after having a little talk with the man upstairs and a heart to heart with myself and I got over it. I decided I could sit and be sorry for myself or I could do something so I washed a load of clothes and then vacuumed the living room. That brought me out of the funk I was in. See I try to stay positive but I am not always positive. I cry out to God in those times though and He meets me there. Sometimes it takes a couple of times for Him to get me chilled back out but He always meets me there. Please pray for me today as I get chemo. The last time I received it I was the sickest I had been with nausea. I have medicine this time that I didn't last time so hopefully I will stop it before it starts. Pray for the next steps that I am fixing to embark on and Pray for peace in every part of this journey.
Love you All
Keep Praying and Keep Looking UP!
Love you All
Keep Praying and Keep Looking UP!
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