Can I be honest and tell you that my life is a roller coaster of emotions? It is! Sometimes I feel so confident and assured that everything is gonna be o.k. That all this stuff is gonna work out. Chemo will continue, I'll go into remission, life will be normal again, and God is Good. Other times I think ....I don't know how this is gonna work out. Chemo will continue the rest of my life and I'll never eat good food again and life will never be normal.
Sometimes I feel that God will give me years more to live and other times I just don't know. I pray and pray and Yes sometimes I ask for that Billboard .....saying God just please tell me what to expect. Sometimes I plead, sometimes I am angry, sometimes I question. Oh, How I feel like Moses sometimes, like David, and others in the Bible. I am glad there are examples of His servants having Heart to Heart conversations with Him. Even angry conversations with Him because it gives me hope, encouragement that it is o.k. for me to do the same. Oh How I Love God. I know I will never understand His ways and He probably is not going to reveal all to me. (Or maybe He has and I am too blind to see). I know He comes into my thought frequently during the day and I always praise Him when He comes. Even when I am upset with Him I open my thoughts with Praise. I don't know what He has planned. I don't know what to expect. I don't know how much time I have or the quality of life I will have. To be Honest, At times this warrior is scared. The Voice of Truth verse ....Oh what I would do to have the kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant with just a sling and a stone. Surrounded by the sound of a thousands warriors....SHAKING IN THEIR ARMOUR (that's ME) with just a sling and a stone. And then the giant calls out my name and he laughs at me reminding me of all the times I tried before and failed.......
You know just writing the above is giving me peace. I don't know why that song came into my life with the JAM kids years ago but I know My God has placed so many things in my path that continue to bless and support me. To have a song that I have known and LOVED for at least 5 years still mean so much to me in different times of my life is a GOD THING. My cancer is the giant, it is the water in the first verse and it does call out to me and laughs at me...it makes me doubt my God and I need to remember to listen to the VOICE OF TRUTH! The Voice of Truth tells me a different story. The Voice of Truth says DO NOT BE AFRAID. THIS IS FOR HIS GLORY......Out of all the voices calling out to me I AM TO LISTEN TO THE VOICE OF TRUTH. (Get that in your Head ....Tammy)
If you haven't figured out my blog yet ..it's as much for me as it is for others. And I know I have people all the times telling me what a blessing it is to them. I thank God it is a blessing to others ...I feel it is a calling but as much as it blesses others.....God is using my writing to help me reconcile feelings within myself. So I am blessed that you are blessed reading this.
But this morning......while I am writing God is working with my very soul and reassuring me that He is in control. Yes, I am writing this in tears and I working thru emotional things. I truly hope it helps you in your journey as much as it helps me. I love MY GOD and He loves ME! I think you can see this thru everything I write.
He prepared me for all this years ago. The scripture is alive and true. My presence at WMBC. Discipleship studies, BSF, music, life circumstances, and my dream was all preparation for "such a time as this" and when I really doubt what God is doing in all of this I just have to remember......it wasn't by chance that my diagnosis happened. God prepared me for it. There's a work to do in....and I have to do it.
My scripture this morning.....I gotta remember this:
We live by faith, not by sight
2Co 5:7
I want concrete answers but God is not giving them to me! He want me to grow and trust in Him and Live by faith so that His Glory shines even BRIGHTER. I am listening God. Don't Give up on ME! You stubborn child is listening. (yes, even my mom will tell you I am stubborn. )
Thanks for hanging in there with me this time. I needed this!
Love you all
Keep Praying and Keep Looking UP!
Tammy We live by faith, not by sight
I think if we are all honest we have all had those moments of doubt when we are in the valley. Your honesty is refreshing and I thank you for posting your feelings all the time and not just what you think people think you should say. :)
ReplyDeleteOur God is awesome and He knows our every thought before we have it and in our times of struggles the Lord knows our hearts. He knows we love him and he that ol' sin nature that was inputed in us as birth is going to cause us to second guess sometimes. But we serve an awesome GOD that we can take anything to and He will carry us through it. As you tell us..Keep your head up.. :) Leslie