For a couple of years now, it has been on my heart to start a journal. I have several started and stopped ones around my house and I even started this blog a couple of years ago and titled it "Forever Fit in My 40's" I was gonna use it to motivate myself into a healthier lifestyle. (I was not very successful) So when I started this one the other day....I just simply changed the name, deleted old posts and started anew to the story I know God is calling me to tell. For this post though I am going to my written journal to see what I wrote. This journal is a notebook calendar bought earlier in the year with the thought I would write a little something in it everyday. (That hasn't work either) But when something important has happened - I have written it and I am glad I did. Yes, my dream is written in my journal also. So here is my story of finding the lion....as noted in my journal/calendar:
It begins with pain. Pain that I have had off and on since last May - June 2010. I went to the doctor at that time to get it checked. I have reflux and have taken Zantac for years. I really thought that I had an ulcer or some type of stomach ailment that was causing my abdominal pain. So I went to see a GI Doc. They did an Abdominal CT and I was told they found nothing. Just an ovarian cyst that had flared up and I could follow up with my OBGYN for that. I did however get a copy of my CT report and noted that there was mild pancreatitis going on. (The doctors even now say that they would not have thought that remarkable because my CT is very changed now). So the pain subsided and I forgot about it. It would occur now and then but probably starting in December it picked up its frequency. Since January, it has occurred as stomach pain and back pain at times. I have spent nights on heating pads, and days with heat patches stuck to me. So in January I decided that I needed to once again find a doctor to see me. All these years I have gone to see an OBGYN for my yearly physical and it has been o.k. (I love my OB doctor) but I realized that I was getting older, I was gonna have more problems health wise and it would be a good idea to have a complete physical and get someone who could take care of all of me. So I made and appointment to be seen by a family medicine provider. Labwork was ordered and my results came back with elevated liver enzymes noted, so the suggestion was that we would wait 3 weeks and do more lab work. Well I did and the enzymes were high again. Please note, that during all this testing I was still having pain. And other than the suggestion that I switch to Prilosec OTC, nothing was being done. So I called them up and asked what are we gonna do about my pain. An Aabdominal ultrasound was ordered. (the results of this study were not very remarkable - it showed a fatty liver which I hear is common). While waiting to hear from a doctor, my pain increased to the point it was nonstop. On the night of the 24th of February, actually early in the morning of the 25th, I woke David up and told him I was going to the ED. Once there they gave me something for pain and then prepared to send me home with pain medicines. As the provider told me this, I began to cry and if any of you reading this know David, He became upset. I could not believe that all we were gonna do was mask the problem and not take any steps into revealing its source. David very clearly might I say demanded they do something. So they ask if I wanted to do another CT. I said YES! and the rest is history. I saw a PA or NP that night and she was actually very friendly and nice but I don't think she understood the desperation in my life. I was tired of hurting and tired of not knowing. Pain meds are wonderful but they just cover up what is going on. Once the CT results were back, the doctor working in the ED came back in to tell me the results. A mass was seen in my Pancreas and in my liver. She told me they were admitting me and that Dr. Collins would be coming by to see me. I went up to my room and awaited His arrival. Dr. Collins told me it could be cancer, it could be infection. (Yes, I thought it was cancer). I was informed I would have to have more testing done but since it was Friday it would be difficult to get things in motion. So I asked if my pain was controlled, could I at least go home and later in the day I went home.
Feb 25 ----------ED visit and Abdominal CT
March 3---------MRI of my pancreas and a liver biopsy
March 8th-------Dr. Collin's office for official results. (Pancreatic Cancer - Liver involved)
March 10th -----Dr. Anderson's (Oncologist) office to discuss treatment
I know this is long but I also know that not everyone knows the whole story and I want it straight. I have already received confusing information that has come back to me. Once I got out of the hospital on that Friday afternoon, I had originally planned to go to Fort Caswell with the ladies from our church. The question was "Should I go or should i stay?" Maggie had plans for the weekend, David had plans (although if I stayed home, he would have been right beside me) So I decided why not! let's Go and I went. That was a God thing too! His timing is perfect. Yes, to us there is not a perfect time to get sick, a perfect time to hear an awful diagnosis but God can make anything better and provides for us in every way. I rode to Caswell with Karen S. and Mary Jay (that was a God thing too). He already knew that I would go, who I would ride with, the messages I would hear, the songs we would sing, the love that would rain down and the encouragement I would need even in that first weekend.
This is exactly what I wrote in my journal...."I am writing this to say "every" word that I have heard is a direct word from God to me!" I knew that weekend that God was calling me to be a light in this dark world. He chose this path for me. (how awful but what an honor). I gotta believe, trust and let my light shine. Now I am to shine for Him no matter what the cost or however the means. God works thru circumstances and prayer. Even in this valley He has blessed me with song, He has filled my heart with praise and His love overflows. My last written journal entry is Feb. 27, 2011. "It's Sunday Lord! Here's my song for you today - Jesus, you're the joy of Living. Savior of my soul the one who makes me whole. Jesus, Jesus, let my life shine and let the whole world know I'm yours and you are mine..you are mine...you are mine. GOD I LOVE YOU!
It was in my hospital room on that Friday, Feb. 25, that I remembered my dream. I don't even know what we were talking about but all of a sudden, it hit me. This is it! This is my dream. I was in amazement at the thought that God showed me this was coming. David, my mom, Pastor Billie, Janet and Beth were in the room with me when I realized this. As mentioned in a previous post - there were only 2 people on this earth that knew my dream. Kathy W. (my BSF leader/friend/sister in Christ) and myself. I told them of my dream and I read the actual words I wrote in my journal. and here they are:
" As I walked I came face to face with the Lion - I stood very still. I looked him in the eyes then closed my eyes. I don't know what the Lion did. As I closed my eyes, I started praying, praising and I knew that whatever came my way that the end result would be in Heaven one day. Whether the lion hasten my journey or not, it did not matter. I was going home to see my Jesus. I woke up with tears in my eyes. Not tears of fear. But tears of happiness because of the assurance I felt and the lack of fear I noted. Thank you Jesus. Thank You God. I don't know what Lion I will face but I know that you are there to help me face it. You are my God and My king - I thank You!!!"
One more God thing yes I could go on for days : )
I sent Kathy a text that day I was in the hospital to let her know I was there. She sent scripture back to me. I honestly don't know if I had made the connection between the lion and illness at the time and I am fairly certain I had not told her of my realization when she sent the following text back to me. Judges 14:6 "The spirit of the Lord came upon him in power so that he tore the Lion apart with his bare hands as he might have torn a young goat. But he told neither his father nor mother what he had done" (it's about Samson). Once I had this dream - I had looked up scriptures about lions because I knew something was coming that God was preparing me for and I needed to plant His word in my heart to prepare myself for it. I do not believe I came across the Judges scripture - but how powerful is it. (wow)
my scripture I picked to memorize was Proverbs 28:1 "The wicked man flees though no one pursues, but the righteous are a bold as a lion."
So being bold, I am....IF the lion is gonna Roar - with God's strength I am ROARING BACK. MY GOD IS BIGGER!
LOVE you All.....Look for God in YOUR LIFE - If you look - you will find Him! He's there!
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